I spend too much time watching Channel V.

Dear Katy Perry,

You’re not allowed to sing about TGIF. You know FUCK ALL about TGIF. You’re twenty-six years old, married to Russell Brand, live in a $6.5 million mansion and spend your week squawking nasally into a microphone while people tell you how much they adore you. You do not spend 50 hours a week pacifying angry creditors, reconciling inventory ledgers and facing the prospect of doing the same damn thing for the next 30 years in order to keep a roof over your head and food in your belly.  You don’t have a featherplucking clue about how grateful the rest of us are for 5pm on a Friday. Go to hell.

No, it doesn't make you relateable

Hello, I'm skinny and rich and JUST LIKE YOU!


Dear Beyonce,

If you’re so intent on exhorting that girls run the world, at least try to do so without writhing around in the dirt like an expensively dressed cat in heat. Don’t talk the talk if you can’t walk the walk, gurlfran.

Bad cat!

Who roll around in tiny outfits on this mutha? Girls!

Dear J-Lo,

You were voted People Magazine’s Hottest Woman, which should negate your compulsion to look like Beyonce.

Deja vu


Lots of love,



16 thoughts on “I spend too much time watching Channel V.

  1. I know who Katy Perry is only because I watched a Kathy Griffin special that talked about her (recommend KG–her comedy is mostly about celebrities and although I don’t know them, it’s still hilarious!).

    The other gals I’m already aware of but happily cannot name a single song. I’m afraid if I knew anything else about them, like you, they’d piss me off.

    • I think you’re happier that way madtante. I do love my pop music, but I start hating these birds when I have to stare at them for 45 minutes at a time while I’m flailing about on a treadmill looking like arse.

  2. 1. Surprised that Katy doesn’t say TGIMONDAY so she can get away from that lunatic she’s married to … Of course, in a $6.5 million mansion she can find a place to hide from him.

    2. Wait … what’s wrong with women wallowing around on the ground like cats in heat?

    3. Yeah … you’re right about J-Lo.

    4. Where the hell have you been? You disappeared! (Oh … right … went back and re-read the first part …)

    • I have to admit I wouldn’t be completely averse to being chased around a mansion by Mr Brand. There’s just something about him…in small doses.

  3. Hell yes! Well said Inga. I bet Katy Perry’s Fridays are much the same as every other day, ie not spent in a traffic queue on the M60 attempting to get to or from work surrounded by equally pissed off communters wishing they could spend their days swanning round $5m mansions instead of dealing with assholes. And why is she always singing about getting it on, first she ‘kissed a girl’ yawn, now she’s got tanked up on cheap booze and had a menage a trois. Katy, I’m not interested. Jog on.
    I don’t understand how Beyonce’s bottom can wiggle like that, I’m fairly sure it breaks some laws of physics which makes me wonder if perhaps she’s not real but is some sort of jiggly assed robot.
    And J-Lo, Jenifer Lopez or whatever she’s called this week is a tool. If she were really ‘Jenny from the block’ she wouldn’t be spending 7 times the annual salary of a construction worker on bling and designer tat that makes her ass look huge per annum.

    • I think Katy’s responsible for singing some of the worse lyrics every written…”it’s a blacked out blur but I’m pretty sure it ruled” Who in god’s name says ‘rulz’ any more?

      I have spent YEARS trying to perfect that uh-oh-uh-oh bit Beyonce does with her bum in Crazy in Love. It makes me look like I have polio.

  4. I know, doesn’t Beyonce’s strong woman message get watered down slightly when she’s crawling all over the floor in a skimpy outfit and probably getting drolled over by a bunch of lonely men?

  5. Oh, and (thanks Vicola for reminding me) what was that girl band singing about all the women who are independent? Sure, they earned their dough, but is it really being self-sufficient when you probably don’t even start your own dishwasher?

    • “Throw your hands up at me-ee-eeh…”

      You’re completely right Emmy…independence isn’t an automatic side effect of making shit tons of money. Not that I wouldn’t love to be in her shoes, mind you 😉

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