I still spend too much time watching Channel V

Dear Chris Brown and Justin Bieber,

Please don’t sing about “if I had your child”. How old are you guys now, twelve? Thirteen? It’s creepy. The only reason I’d reproduce with either of you is to claim the ludicrous amounts of child support to which I’d be entitled. And Chris Brown, if you ever laid a finger on me you can guarantee all your future hits would be sung through an electronic larynx. Rihanna should’ve rolled her Barbados peeps together and bashed your skinny, lady-beating ass when she had the chance.

We're totes ready for the responsibilities and gravity of fatherhood, yo!

Dear Jessie J,

If we should “forget about the price tag” and you don’t need my money, money, money – then why did you charge me $1.69 to download this song?

Like, omg, the world is so shallow. I'm in the entertainment industry for the philanthropic benefits.

Dear Amy,

You should have gone to rehab. You’re setting a really bad example.

Requiescat in pace, Amy.

Dear Gotye,

Your film clip moves me. To the point where I may even have your babies, even though fiscally it makes more sense to have Justin’s.


Lots of love,



8 thoughts on “I still spend too much time watching Channel V

  1. Bieber spawn – I’m glad I skipped breakfast this morning. The thought of that makes me wince too. The child support would be great although it would be less disturbing to just trip over Donald Trump’s feet and then tell a judge you skinned you elbow and need $5 million immediately to fix the scrape. 😉

    Okay, so first there was Hungry Beast, then references to Cleo, now Gotye. You really must help me become versed on Austrailan culture, Inga.

  2. The spawn of Bieber, shudder. Can you imagine the hideously chirpy and relentlessly Disney creature that would come of spawning offspring from the loins of Bieber? It’d surely be the dawning of the apocalypse. If indeed doing it with Bieber weren’t illegal on the grounds that he’s about 9. I like your letters to pop people, you should keep these up, there’s more out there need your attention.

    • I like to imagine the kids being terrifying little bastards like the Osbournes brats. And I would wager you’re the first person to ever write ‘loins’ and ‘Bieber’ in the same sentence. Ick.

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