Dear Chris Brown and Justin Bieber,
Please don’t sing about “if I had your child”. How old are you guys now, twelve? Thirteen? It’s creepy. The only reason I’d reproduce with either of you is to claim the ludicrous amounts of child support to which I’d be entitled. And Chris Brown, if you ever laid a finger on me you can guarantee all your future hits would be sung through an electronic larynx. Rihanna should’ve rolled her Barbados peeps together and bashed your skinny, lady-beating ass when she had the chance.
Dear Jessie J,
If we should “forget about the price tag” and you don’t need my money, money, money – then why did you charge me $1.69 to download this song?
You should have gone to rehab. You’re setting a really bad example.
Your film clip moves me. To the point where I may even have your babies, even though fiscally it makes more sense to have Justin’s.
Lots of love,