In case anyone is wondering what spending a week with my parents is like, I proffer the following insight:
Dad and I are discussing the moral implications of the pornography industry.
Mum: If I made porn, I’d make the good ones.
Mum and Dad are arguing over the necessity of lighting the fire.
Dad: It’s not cold.
Mum: It’s not for the warmth, it’s for the ambience!
Dad: Have you forgotten how much a trailer load of ambience costs?
Mum and I are comparing the respective weights of her cat and my rabbit.
Dad: So what’s its dressed weight?
Mum: You can buy little clothes for them you know.
Dad and I reluctantly find ourselves in the tourist quarter of Cairns, crowded with hawkers and overpriced stuffed koalas.
Middle-aged Japanese Masseuse Lady: Sir! Massage, sir?
Dad: No thank you, I’m already a perfect specimen of humanity.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be chewing through my straight jacket.