Things that seem normal when you live alone

Kim posted a link to this video, and it inspired me to write an actual blog post. Crikey. 

I’ve lived on my own for precisely five years and four months, I adore it, and have no intention of living with anybody ever again. Except maybe Josh Holloway if he asks nicely or if I happen to see him strolling along slowly enough for me to cram a hessian bag over his head and drag him into my rape dungeon.

So here are my 10 Things That Seem Normal When You Live Alone:

  1. Announcing “I’m hoooome!” to nobody.
  2. Tossing a bunch of shit with eggs into a frying pan at 4.30pm and calling it dinner.

    Looks the same coming up as it does going down.

    I call it Egg Surprise. “Surprise! You have salmonella!”

  3. Listening to B*witched while you’re doing it.
  4. Dancing. All the time.
  5. Feeling superior and condescending towards women who are scared to stay home alone while their partners are away, until you have to go to bed with all the lights on and the TV cabinet wedged against the front door after watching Wolf Creek.
  6. Never renting scary DVDs.
  7. Flushing…? Huh?
  8. Toothbrush in the shower, shoes on the toilet floor, wardrobe in every room.
  9. Working out in the living room with Kendall Hogan, periodically yelling “OH yeaah!” along with him.
  10. Deciding it’s certainly not ‘drinking alone’ if there’s a cat and a rabbit with you.
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15 thoughts on “Things that seem normal when you live alone

  1. #10 – and even if the cat and the rabbit are imaginary you are still not alone (although, in your case, I know they’re not imaginary).

    (And I won’t be letting my wife see #2 … she’ll get ideas …)

    Nice to see you didn’t forget how to type! lol

  2. Lol. I love your posts.
    Ha! I love feeling superior to women who are afraid to do ANYthing…like sit at table in the cafeteria at work…alone. I mean, REALLY?
    I work with some women who will say “I won’t leave you here alone at the table.I would never want to sit at a table by myself.”
    I think to myself “You have no idea how much I would love to be by myself.”
    People are weird.
    I sing and dance when I am alone, too….especially make up dog songs for the dogs.

    • Making up songs for animals is great, because they don’t know how moronic you sound. I sing a special version of “I’m sexy and I know it” for bunny when I feed her greens – “nibble nibble nibble nibble YEAH!”

      It’s always interesting how many people these days can’t be anywhere on their own without whipping their phone out. It’s like a whole new level of social anxiety.

  3. You’ve taken all my advice to wonderful new levels….except if Josh Holloway ever gets asphyxiated you might have some explaining to do to someone.

  4. Chicken Little and I have cocktail hour together. 5pm we head to the fridge for drinks and snacks – I drink, she snacks – then we watch Eddie try to give away money to stupid people and make fun of them. We could probably fit Josh into the equation somewhere – is he even still around??

    • I don’t mind if he never does anything ever again, he’ll always be Sawyer to me anyway. Eddie, on the other hand…I think I’d backhand him if I ever saw him on the street. Such a tool.

  5. Well, there was my first mistake living alone. All I watched were scary movies. Note to self……..

    Living alone is great like that, now I have to wait until I both have the day off and my boyfriend is sufficiently far from arriving home to do all of the following: Dancing, singing, yoga, acting goofy, reading monologues in front of the mirror, scarfing down chocolate like a wild dog, etc.

    My mom always said……don’t ever get married. She was wrong. I would simply advise a secret getaway in the Carolinas. 😉

    • I’m all for the ‘married with separate domiciles’ arrangement. Same block of land is ok, but hell if I’m going to share my spotless lady space with smelly socks, video games and skid marks. No.

  6. Lol. I am fortunate that Mr. Dr. Lauri does not leave smelly socks or skid marks, or play video games. There is however the History Channel, “History of the Flintlock”, or “American Pickers” or “Pawn Stars” constantly on the tv.
    When I am home alone I never have the tv on.
    But, if it’s tv or skid marks, I’ll take the tv.

    Mmmm, Viggo. And Captain Yes.

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