Inga’s Vitriolic Movie Review Corner

This week: What’s Your Number? (2011) Starring: Anna Faris, Chris Evans

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First, I’d like to put my hand up to say that I adore Anna Faris, and submit she’s the most underrated comic actress of the last fifteen years. I know humour is terribly subjective, but I’ve always felt women are inherently unfunny creatures from a visual standpoint*. Men can be goofy, childish and outright crude and it’s hilarious. To me, women doing similar things seem vaguely uncomfortable and cringeworthy – feel free to prove me wrong of course. Anna, however, just nails it. Admittedly, she plays essentially the same character in every film, but she can make me laugh harder in a single scene than Ben Stiller and Will Ferrell have in their entire career.

So while that assertion may be a tad antifeminist, it’s nowhere near as offensive as the misogynistic, obnoxious mound of horse shit that is What’s Your Number?

In a nutshell, Anna plays a thirty-something single gal who reads an article claiming “96% of women with 20 or more lovers cannot find a husband”. Being a raging whore with nineteen previous partners, our lead female immediately flies into a panic and vows not to sleep with one more man until she’s found The One.

Allow me to illustrate my reaction with a meme:

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This movie put my blood pressure through the roof. I’m about to get ranty people, so buckle up.

a)      The protagonist is a dippy, loveable female with the singular goal of locking down a husband. For a start, the premise has been done to death. Secondly, IT’S FUCKING STUPID AND HOLLYWOOD NEEDS TO STOP PERPETUATING THIS SHIT BEFORE I CUT A BITCH. I’m the only single girl in my workplace, and I’m constantly being asked whether ‘someone’s come along yet’. Do you think anyone makes the same enquiry of the twenty or so single men wandering around? No. Do you know why? BECAUSE THEY KEEP MAKING STUPIDASS BULLSHIT MOVIES LIKE THIS THAT MAKE WOMEN LOOK LIKE FEEBLE-MINDED, OBSESSIVE TWITS. You know what? Some of us don’t want husbands. Some of us want to be property magnates, some of us want to earn medical degrees, some of us want to take our clothes off for a living and buy a house with cash, some of us want to adopt all the homeless cats in the world and some of us want to drink a lot and have sex with whomever we please. Which leads me to my next point.

b)      TWENTY? Twenty sexual partners is supposed to be considered excessive for a single lady in her mid-thirties? Even supposing she lost her virginity at 19 (the average age in Australia is 17.8, if you’re wondering), that’s only one and a quarter men a year. Hold onto your dicks boys, we’ve got a prostitute up in here!

c)       The eventual love interest in this woeful tale is the bloke across the hall (Chris Evans of Captain America fame) who sleeps with a different woman every night. This isn’t horrifying in itself, it’s more the fact that he sneaks out every morning before the girls wake up, leaving them to pick up their panties and limp shamefully home. And you can bet no one’s pointing out he’ll never find a wife if he carries on like that. Predictably, he eventually confesses to our leading lady that he sleeps around because he’s scared of getting close to anyone for fear of being hurt. Unconvincing. Men who look like Chris Evans are having sex with lots of women because THEY CAN. And guess what? Women who are having sex with lots of men are doing it because THEY CAN TOO.

Chris Evans

Captain Yes, Please

Of course these two end up together at the end of the movie, with not a hint of irony that the promiscuous boy is painted as the perfect boyfriend, while poor Anna with her twenty lovers is the slut who got lucky.

So what we’ve learnt from this film is the following:

  1. Gaining a husband is the foremost goal in every woman’s life. She should limit her number of sexual partners for fear of growing old alone, which is the worst thing that can happen EVER. Put your vagina away, you disgusting whore.
  2. Promiscuous men are merely sad, lost waifs just waiting for someone to open their heart. It doesn’t matter if he’s a jerk that objectifies womankind – you’ll feel very lucky to have him at the end of the movie, especially if you’re a bow-legged slut.
  3. I need to stop watching movies like this before I burst something.

*Women are funnier writers. Especially that bird that wrote Fifty Shades of Grey.

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23 thoughts on “Inga’s Vitriolic Movie Review Corner

  1. Really? You’re not waiting around for Mr. Right to come along and make your life complete?

    lol

    Yes, Anna Faris plays basically the same character in every film. So do/did a lot of folks … John Wayne, Jerry Lewis, etc. But she is funny.

    Now … I want to hear more about the gal who wants to take her clothes off for a living and pay cash for a house …

    • I’ve read a few articles over the years about various girls working in strip clubs, brothels and porn who have decided it’s a very sound financial investment in their futures. More power to them – I wish I had the balls. So to speak.

      • I have heard of many a young lady putting herself through college – even law school, med school, etc. – as a dancer.

        The smart ass in me HAS to say “If you had balls, you’d make a killing in porn and would be set for life!”

  2. Ok, I laughed at the vitriol, but I am feeling quite vitriolic about the subject matter, too. What a bunch of happy horseshit.
    A guy who sleeps with a different woman every night and a woman who has had 19 lovers. Oh, woe is me. Fuck that shit.

    Yes to Captain Yes. Nice nice picture. 🙂

    Now I wish I were back in my single days so I could sleep with a different man every night. Screw you, scriptwriters.

    • BAAHAHAHAHA 😀 Atta girl Lauri!

      Yes, I’m a little partial to most of those Avengers. Not surprising it killed it at the box office.

  3. EPIC. Loved this.

    “Hold onto your dicks boys”

    I think the producers of this movie are already doing that. These types get off on subverting women to the role of whory hampsters that need “taking care of”.

    Single women are the most reviled humans in the United States. Coupled or not, try walking down an American city sidewalk by yourself. Crowds of jerks will knock right into you as though you’re invisible.

    At stores? Don’t walk in there alone. You’ll either get sympathetic “can I help you” stalking from every annoying clerk, or you’ll get treated like a shoplifter.

    • I get my rage on over laundry detergent and air freshener ads…invariably they involve some ditzy bitch all in a tizz over stains or household odours, while her incompetent husband does something goofy. Because a woman has no greater source of pride than providing her family with clothing free of grass stains. FFS.

      That doesn’t sound pleasant at all. Fortunately I’ve never had to put up with that kind of crap over here – I mean I always expect to be ripped off by mechanics and other tradespeople, but I guess that applies to everyone here, not just single ladies.

  4. I worked with a young lady who said “My boyfriend wants to know how many men I have slept with. It’s way more than the 5 women he has slept with. Should I tell him?”

    Hell no was the answer. Aside from weather he was even telling the truth, what sort of person measures your desirability on previous experience? Virgins would never get a look in.

    One of her workmates suggested “He probably wants to even up the score sheet.”

    My fave heroine at the moment is from Game of Thrones. A tall girl bodyguard who gets to kick arse without having to hang her bum out of an impractical tight leather outfit. She is such an unusual character in modern script writing.

    • I knew a girl with a very handsome fiance who’d notched up over 90, and she was always a bit flattered that he’d decided to settle down with her. On one hand I guess I’d be happy they’d got it out of their system first, but on the other hand…90?

      Ah, Brienne! She’s much less kill-happy in the books, but I’m loving the screen version. I don’t know where they found that mammoth actress, but she’s perfect.

      • I wonder if he was thinking about hitting his century? Blokes can be weird like that.

        Brienne rocks. In fact the whole series has been a surprise. A cast of great characters that sees quite a few in my favorites list. It would have to be the show with the most strong female roles and the best midget character ever.

        • Blokes can be weird in a lot of ways, I have to say 😛

          I think that’s why George R R Martin has such a loyal, obsessed following – his characters are rarely one-dimensional ‘good guys’ or ‘bad guys’, and he has a gift for making you love a character who was completely heinous twenty chapters ago.

          • Now you’ve done it. I ended up Googling GRRM and I have a lot of reading to look forward to. 🙂

          • Now you’ve done it. I ended up Googling GRRM and I have a lot of reading to look forward to. 🙂

  5. I’m still scratching my head wondering where all the 17.8 year-old girls were hiding when I first took an active interest in losing my virginity.

  6. Very few women in movie history have been willing to be truly ugly and inelegant in the name of comedy. For evidence, I present Carole Lombard, Lucille Ball, and perhaps Debra Messing.

  7. If she’s a slut for totalling that by mid 30s then I dread to think what I’m classified as. The portrayal of women as desperate husband hunters who can’t possibly be happy or fulfilled until they have that ring on their finger drives me absolutely up the wall. As do adverts that suggest that all women need to be happy is a brood of children and a germ free kitchen. Get a grip. If you’re spending your time worrying about whether a flu germ has survived on your worksurface, you’re wasting your existence. And don’t even get me started on the comments I’ve heard about some of the female athletes during the Olympics. This sounds like the sort of film that is likely to have me hissing with rage while trying to pull out my own eyeballs to make it stop. I think I’ll give it a miss.

    • Yeah, it will definitely make you hiss. I think I was actually yelling at the screen at one point. I’m not sure who’s perpetuating all these idiot stereotypes – among all my acquaintances, it’s the blokes who are looking for partners and itching to have babies. Most single girls I know are pretty damn happy with their lives, and rolling in cash.

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