Celebrity Death Match

Some terribly influential people are turning a terribly distinguished 64 this year. To commemorate, I’ve pitted these luminaries together, and judged them based on personal achievements and contributions to society.

GOF vs Steven Tyler

GOF

Tyler is the charismatic front man of iconic rock band Aerosmith. He battled a life-threatening heroin addiction, whereas GOF merely looks like he’s battled a life-threatening heroin addiction. Music-wise, Tyler and GOF are both accomplished pianists; however Tyler has enjoyed slightly higher record sales. The uninitiated may presume that incessant screaming would be Tyler’s forte…but they’ve obviously never nicked GOF’s footwear.

Tyler: “Walk this waaaaaaayyyy!!!”
GOF: “Ok, Steve…wait, WHO THE BLOODY HELL TOOK MY THONGS! WHERE’S THAT KID?!”

WINNER: GOF

 

GOF vs Olivia Newton John


Both Olivia and GOF are sex symbols from waaay back. Of course, Olivia got to pash John Travolta, and as far as we know GOF has not. On the other hand, GOF looks much better in fluoro lycra and rollerskates, and has yet to sell out and star in a Wii advertisement.

WINNER: GOF

 

 

GOF vs Prince Charles


Prince Charles sired the future King of England. GOF sired some drunk chick with no husband, kids, house or job. Unfortunately, Prince Charles also fathered a naked ginger pothead.

WINNER: GOF

 

GOF vs Samuel L. Jackson


GOF occasionally pays tribute to Jackson’s style by wearing a signature beret. This innocent flattery is lost on Jackson, who is guilty of repeatedly appropriating GOF’s catchphrases and using them uncredited in scripts. Examples include: “I’ve had it with these motherf***ing snakes in my motherf***ing roof!” and “Say ‘oink’ again pig, I dare you, I double dare you, say ‘oink’ one more goddamn time.”

WINNER: GOF

Happy birthday Daddy! You’re always a winner in my book.