Some terribly influential people are turning a terribly distinguished 64 this year. To commemorate, I’ve pitted these luminaries together, and judged them based on personal achievements and contributions to society.
GOF vs Steven Tyler
Tyler is the charismatic front man of iconic rock band Aerosmith. He battled a life-threatening heroin addiction, whereas GOF merely looks like he’s battled a life-threatening heroin addiction. Music-wise, Tyler and GOF are both accomplished pianists; however Tyler has enjoyed slightly higher record sales. The uninitiated may presume that incessant screaming would be Tyler’s forte…but they’ve obviously never nicked GOF’s footwear.
Tyler: “Walk this waaaaaaayyyy!!!”
GOF: “Ok, Steve…wait, WHO THE BLOODY HELL TOOK MY THONGS! WHERE’S THAT KID?!”
GOF vs Olivia Newton John
Both Olivia and GOF are sex symbols from waaay back. Of course, Olivia got to pash John Travolta, and as far as we know GOF has not. On the other hand, GOF looks much better in fluoro lycra and rollerskates, and has yet to sell out and star in a Wii advertisement.
GOF vs Prince Charles
GOF vs Samuel L. Jackson
GOF occasionally pays tribute to Jackson’s style by wearing a signature beret. This innocent flattery is lost on Jackson, who is guilty of repeatedly appropriating GOF’s catchphrases and using them uncredited in scripts. Examples include: “I’ve had it with these motherf***ing snakes in my motherf***ing roof!” and “Say ‘oink’ again pig, I dare you, I double dare you, say ‘oink’ one more goddamn time.”
Happy birthday Daddy! You’re always a winner in my book.