Celebrity Death Match

Some terribly influential people are turning a terribly distinguished 64 this year. To commemorate, I’ve pitted these luminaries together, and judged them based on personal achievements and contributions to society.

GOF vs Steven Tyler

GOF

Tyler is the charismatic front man of iconic rock band Aerosmith. He battled a life-threatening heroin addiction, whereas GOF merely looks like he’s battled a life-threatening heroin addiction. Music-wise, Tyler and GOF are both accomplished pianists; however Tyler has enjoyed slightly higher record sales. The uninitiated may presume that incessant screaming would be Tyler’s forte…but they’ve obviously never nicked GOF’s footwear.

Tyler: “Walk this waaaaaaayyyy!!!”
GOF: “Ok, Steve…wait, WHO THE BLOODY HELL TOOK MY THONGS! WHERE’S THAT KID?!”

WINNER: GOF

 

GOF vs Olivia Newton John


Both Olivia and GOF are sex symbols from waaay back. Of course, Olivia got to pash John Travolta, and as far as we know GOF has not. On the other hand, GOF looks much better in fluoro lycra and rollerskates, and has yet to sell out and star in a Wii advertisement.

WINNER: GOF

 

 

GOF vs Prince Charles


Prince Charles sired the future King of England. GOF sired some drunk chick with no husband, kids, house or job. Unfortunately, Prince Charles also fathered a naked ginger pothead.

WINNER: GOF

 

GOF vs Samuel L. Jackson


GOF occasionally pays tribute to Jackson’s style by wearing a signature beret. This innocent flattery is lost on Jackson, who is guilty of repeatedly appropriating GOF’s catchphrases and using them uncredited in scripts. Examples include: “I’ve had it with these motherf***ing snakes in my motherf***ing roof!” and “Say ‘oink’ again pig, I dare you, I double dare you, say ‘oink’ one more goddamn time.”

WINNER: GOF

Happy birthday Daddy! You’re always a winner in my book.

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17 thoughts on “Celebrity Death Match

  1. I think GOF has them all beat in the Looking Good On a Tractor department. Plus there’s that cool accent. Your Dad also looks amusingly pensive in that photo. What’s he doing? It looks like he’s reading instructions on how to use grapes.

    • BAHAHAAAA! He could very well be figuring grapes out. I think it’s a muesli packet or something, I can’t remember. He definitely has his judgey face on anyway.

  2. “Unfortunately, Prince Charles also fathered a naked ginger pothead.”

    ROFLMAO!! Classic!! Of course, unsubstantiated wild speculation abounds that HRH didn’t sow the seed that did the deed but that a now notorious cavalry officer did… 😉

    • I’m actually partial to a bit of Harry, I reckon he’d be a lot more fun than baldy Wills.

      And that ginger bloke denies it, so OBVIOUSLY it can’t be true… 😉

      • Apparently, Hewitt’s affair started after Harry’s birth so it probably is a load of BS – at least as far as Hewitt is concerned. It’s good for a bit of Mickey-taking, though!

        What’s wrong with being prematurely bald, anyway…? 😉

  3. Clearly daylight came 2nd but I don’t blame Samuel J for pinching some GOF material. I believe he credits GOF for some of his success.

  4. I’m also sure that one more than one occasion GOF was heard to mutter “Go The (Bleep) To Sleep!” long before Mr. Jackson. You, I suppose, would be an eye (ear?) witness to that.

    And as for GOF/Travolta … I’ve read GOF’s blog for a long time and never heard him refer to a former career as a masseuse …

  5. I knew Samuel L Jackson had to be getting his phrases from somewhere. Now it all makes sense…

    BTW Stephen Tyler’s photo doesn’t tally with the adjective ‘charismatic’ if you ask me! 🙂

    • Welcome, Lance – everything on this blog makes perfect sense, I can assure you.

      Well it’s not his best angle, and I’m not sure a 60-something can really rock feathers. Still, I reckon he’s still got a bit of somethin’ somethin’ going on.

      • “Still, I reckon he’s still got a bit of somethin’ somethin’ going on.”
        I think he looks like a 90 year-old Sophia Loren…….but then he probably isn’t impressed by me either. 🙂

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