Cooking for Idiots 101

Several weeks ago while driving home from work, I had a weird moment. I was thinking about the delicious lamb souvlaki with garlic sauce I was going to pick up for dinner, and all of a sudden an image popped into my head of the poor little lambie that had died to provide my scrumptious takeaway meal, and just like that I became a vegetarian. It’s funny how the brain works sometimes.

So at the risk of spending the rest of my life eating nothing but McDonald’s fries and vodka, I’ve had to learn some new moves in the kitchen. And seeing as everyone in the blogging world is obsessed with food, here is my new favourite winter soup recipe (because for some of us it’s winter right now, you bastards).


  • Wine
  • 1 cup of raw, unsalted cashews
  • 1 cup of canned chickpeas
  • 1 cup of vegetable stock
  • Half an onion, diced
  • 2 cloves of garlic, chopped (or 3 if you have an ailing immune system and you’re not planning on pashing anyone tonight)
  • More vegetable stock (maybe 4 cups? I don’t know. Enough to make the various ingredients into liquid.)
  • 2 potatoes
  • 1 carrot
  • 2 heads of broccoli
  • A couple of handfuls of spinach


Pour yourself a glass of wine. Refill as necessary.

Combine the cashews, chickpeas and 1 cup of stock, and blend the shit out of it until it resembles the stuff babies spew up down peoples’ backs. Put this to one side; you’ll need it later. That’s why we made it.

Sauté the onions and garlic with a little oil in a saucepan. I don’t actually know what sauté means, but I see it all the time in reference to onions. I think it sounds like a dance move. Hey baby, give me some vodka and I’ll show you my sauté.

Add the rest of the stock to the saucepan, along with the potatoes and carrot. You can leave the skin on – peeling is messy, annoying and unnecessary.

When the potatoes and carrots are soft, throw in the broccoli. Give any broccoli scraps to your rabbit. If you don’t have a rabbit, your life is meaningless and unfulfilled. Go and rescue one from a shelter.  

When the broccoli is soft, throw in the spinach and stir through until wilted. Give some spinach to your rabbit before she goes into cardiac arrest with anticipation.

Blend in batches. It will resemble wheat grass juice, but don’t panic.

Combine the baby spew and wheat grass juice in a saucepan over low heat, and add salt and pepper to taste.

Enjoy with a crusty cobb loaf, or for a gluten free option, try having it with wine. In fact, just pour yourself another wine anyway, because you’re awesome.

Happy winter y’all!

Inga XOX


15 thoughts on “Cooking for Idiots 101

  1. Mmm… delicious baby spew. Actually, it sounds really good. I might have to try this, but not for another few months until it’s winter here. Geez, everything’s upside-down and backwards with you Aussies, isn’t it? 🙂

    • It’s actually really delicious if you get the seasonings right. I’m sure you could do better – I’m culinarily retarded. And Aussie to boot. 😉

  2. I think most people like to think that their meat just grew up on a black tray covered in glad wrap in a supermarket fridge – they don’t associate a personality to it but each to their own and all that. I don’t mind cooking and my family don’t complain about not ever getting red meat so we get by at home but it’s when I go out to eat that I get annoyed. Not many places put any effort into their vegetarian options and if they do it’s usually creamy or cheesy and I don’t eat dairy so I usually have chips and salad.

    I do love chickpeas though – skin them first, much nicer.

    • That’s actually been the thing I’ve enjoyed most so far – the menu options are so limited you don’t need to spend 15 minutes deciding whether you want salmon or chicken. I’m sure I’ll get jack of that soon, though.

      I know you’re a farm girl too – there’s a big difference between what the family establishments are doing and the big factory farms 😦

      • That’s one of my main problems. When I was a kid the most exciting day of the week was the day Dad killed a sheep. It grew up in the paddocks and then we’d eat every part of it we could, give the stomach bag to the chooks, the head to one of the dogs and tan the hide. Once I left home and saw meat in supermarkets and read up on factory farming it just wasn’t for me. Lol, the salmon or the chicken – I’ll still eat a bit of free range chicken but only when I cook it and I know for sure where it came from. I found it easier to just say I was vegetarian when I went to a wedding or someones house because I soon discovered that a lot of people think chicken isn’t happy unless it’s wrapped in bacon. Salmon is becoming a problem for me because I don’t want to eat the farmed stuff because I saw a thing on the 7.30 report a while ago that showed how many antibiotics are thrown in the tanks and I don’t like to eat the wild stuff because I feel bad about the catching of them, lol, I have a lot of food rules.

        • All those documentaries about the food industry don’t help either, do they? Just makes me feel terrible about everything. I’ll be living off nothing but my own toenails soon.

  3. This sounds absolutely delicious!
    And we are sweltering here, bitch, so this will have to wait until winter! But, I’ll be trying it! 😉

    • It still kinda amazes me how it will be snowing on your side of the world while I’m wasting away in the heat, and vice versa six months later!

  4. And I’d kill for winter right now. Sweating my arse off in a poorly-ventilated office we’ve rented in the former admin building of a defunct former East German nuclear power plant. I’m about 100m away from eight decommissioned dodgy old Soviet reactors. Remember Chernobyl…? 😀 Unfortunately, there’s nothing former about the blazing sunshine and 38°C outside temperature! And about five miles down the coast is the place they tested the V1 and V2 during the war.

      • I’m done with being a big sweaty mess 24/7, thank you very much! Can’t wait to finish this job up and get back to the frozen north. Or back on a boat (they’re air conditioned)!

  5. Pingback: Classic Gazpacho | Check Your Premises

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