Tormenting Inga…

Sometime last month, for some bizarre reason (possibly wine related) I volunteered to be the official taste-tester for random beverage recipes that Emmy stumbles across in her readings. It sounds like a delicious riot, except for the fact that Emmy is a sadistic witch who has taken it upon herself to pull up the most exotic, esoteric and bizarre concoctions the internet can spew forth. So now I find myself merely a pawn in her maniacal board game; the inevitable loser in a one woman version of the Hunger Games, drowning in a tide of arcane ingredients while my ‘friend’ cackles gleefully somewhere across the ocean.

For the first instalment, Emmy’s instructions are as follows:

Recipe: It’s a simple smoothie with ginger, mango, coconut and banana. Oh, and a spoonful of turmeric.

Now I don’t know where I’m getting mango from, considering it’s the dead of winter in Melbourne and the nearest mango crop right now is probably in Indonesia. Of course, this could be part of her nefarious plan to make me come over for Tough Mudder 2015… “Hey Inga, you’re already in Indonesia, you might as well pop into New England while you’re at it!” YEP, I’M ONTO YOU, WOMAN.

 
Having said that, I did manage to source some coconut, fresh from…er, Thailand. The recipe was rather vague as to what form this coconut should take, so I opted for a can of coconut water ‘with pulp’. I’m actually supposed to be hunting down local, sustainable ingredients, but frankly it’s too cold to leave the house and I’m still depressed because my holiday is over. You’d think she could at least start me off with an alcoholic beverage to ease me into this whole endeavour, but NO. Honestly, why did I sign up for this?

Enough whinging. Here’s my haul:

MasterChef or gullible twit?

MasterChef or gullible twit?

I cheated a little (ok, a lot – it’s cold outside and I’m depressed, remember?!) and bought a bottle of Emma & Tom’s Life Juice to substitute fresh fruit. The ingredients are literally carrot, apple and ginger. These guys procure fruit and veg from Aussie farmers, don’t throw garbage additives into their juices, and use square bottles to maximise storage space and cut down on packaging. That makes up for my 14,000-food-miles coconut water, right?

The ginger is organic and locally grown (from an overpriced green-grocer that caters to the Rich Paleo Wife Club), and the turmeric is from Bangladesh and is probably steeped in lead and orphan tears. Yes, it’s the same brand that’s in the link. I already had it in my cupboard though, and I’m not going to buy more because it’s cold and I’m depressed.

 
Come to think of it, that could be lead poisoning.

 
Anyway, onto the method!

1. Steep some sliced ginger in boiling water for a little bit. I actually drank most of it and saved a little splash for the drink. Ginger tea will fix anything that’s wrong with you. Except inexplicable compulsions to volunteer for random food experiments, apparently.

Rolling in the steep.

Rolling in the steep.

2. Add coconut water to your shaker thingy (because a blender will waste precious unrenewable resources. Manpower FTW!).

Put the lime in the coconut...

Put the lime in the coconut…

3. Add juice.

Juice
4. Add maybe a quarter teaspoon of lead-drenched turmeric. I know this spoon looks big, but trust me, it’s only a teaspoon. Shake all ingredients vigorously to the tune of Meet Her at the Love Parade by Da Hool.

Turmeric
5. Et voila! Served in a wine glass with a mint garnish, because I’m a classy broad.

Kampai!
Result:
Holy contaminated spice shipment Batman, there was WAY too much turmeric in there. A tiny sprinkle would have done the trick. It tasted like I was licking the floor of a curry kitchen in a shopping centre food court. I think it needed a hint more sweetness, which is obviously why the recipe calls for mango and banana as opposed to carrot. The coconut pulp added a nice crunch, but coconut and ginger together is kinda like watching Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger making out – awkward and disorienting.

WUT.

WUT.

In summary, I don’t think this is something I’d make again. And I’ll definitely be buying a new batch of turmeric.

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8 thoughts on “Tormenting Inga…

  1. Turmeric, sans lead, is SUPER for your digestive system–as you’ve already mentioned is the ginger.

    I’m not sure where the vodka and rum come in at but the former would offset the latter.

  2. Ok, the ginger and coconut sound lovely. Turmeric….ick!!!
    Even cold and depressed you make me laugh…and I am warm and depressed!

    I really need to buy some mangos. That might help the depression! My vacation is coming to an end.

    • Ginger and coconut is WEIRD Lauri, don’t do it! It tastes funny. Internet hugs from one depresso-bag to another…and just think, if vacation’s never came to an end then we’d never have anything to look forward to.

  3. Horray! Okay, woman. Here’s how it plays. 😀

    +2 points for finding a product with the name Emma. -4 for writing a post far more entertaining and funny than mine. +105 for bravery – you really ate an entire spoonful of turmeric. Are you nuts? And +7.2 for making a drinkt that looks truly horrifying. For a total of, well, whatever.

    As for the science: pretty good, except didn’t you know lead makes you smarter? So does drinking out of square containers. You’re welcome.

    As for the environment aspect, quite nice. Maybe I should write up a future post and score that too. Lots to talk about here, actually. As you know my main goal is to promote polyculutre or shade grown coconut / turmeric / mango and other produce. However, it’s a dying tradition and not at all easy to find. Yes on the larger packaging and yes on the aluminum can – one of the most abundant and recyclable products on Earth. Coconuts are massively multipurpuseable. Yes.

    Where you found Bangladesh grown turmeric is beyond me. Quite remarkable actually. Kind of like our arsenic-laden baby food products in the US.

    I’m trying to do a pingback on the original blog (or maybe it’s called a trackback) so everyone knows to go here afterward. Anyone who knows how to do that…..so we can all enjoy hearing about your torment. (evil cackle) This has been way fun.

    Of course, this could be part of her nefarious plan to make me come over for Tough Mudder 2015…

    NO, actually the spicy food is the plan. I’m writing to Will Dean and asking him to put in an insect / spice eating obstacle for the race. For 2015. Vermont. You and me, sister.

    Didn’t you hear? A new study suggests that sadists are actually very well adjusted. 🙂

    • Woohoo, do I get a gold star? Or aluminium at least? 😀 I did not realise aluminium was one of the most abundant and recyclable materials – going to buy all my beer in cans from now on! 😉 That turmeric was from a little Afghan shop, and is probably environmentally and ethically damaging at ever single level of its production, logistics and consumption. Oopsy.

      I would totally eat insects or spice for TM! Or spicy insects. Unless they were spiders, in which case I would struggle – but then again spiders aren’t insects soooo….(LOOK, MORE SCIENCE!!) But yeah, as long as it wasn’t near the end of the race when I’m about to keel over.

      If by “well-adjusted” you mean “giant meanie-pants” then yes, I concur 😉

      That was fun!

      • Better….you get permission from moi to go out and order the sweetest, most un-tormenting drink the best damned bartender can make you. You earned it.

        Maybe as a second reward I could origami you a little aluminum statue. That’s about the extent of my molding talent……..if and when we meet up the first drink’s on me. I promise I wont add in turmeric while your back is turned. 😀

        No eating the horseshoe crabs! LOL. Actually an insect eating obstacle might hinder me. In Scotland they had that stinging nettle crawl, ouch!

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